So without further ado, here is a (surely incomplete) list of all the laughable, worrisome, & ultimately just exhausting assumptions presented in Meghan Trainor's "Dear Future Husband" video. Because really, wouldn't you think we'd be done with these by now?
- Marriage is a given &/or a reasonable metric by which you should scan all romantic prospects
- So is being able to hit one of those carnival strong-man machines
- Flowers, rings, opening doors, & compliments are cheat codes to access a woman’s genitals
- Wearing a leather jacket absolves you of egregious gender stereotyping
- Refusing to make apple pie is a feminist statement
- Scallops are elitist
- BITCHES BE CRAY, a.k.a., “Why disagree?” because women will just argue irrationally with their wee lady brains (& are probably on their period anyway, jeez)
- “Classy guys” don’t seek oral sex—or follow through on 4th grade innuendo
- Rolling around in suds is an effective floor-scrubbing technique
- Proper suitors should stand, stone-facedly, outside the homes of their intended
- “Plenty of Fish” is a site that still exists & is worth your time
- Cactus-shaped topiary is in any way acceptable
- Also, there are two children briefly pictured on Meghan Trainor’s lawn having a tea party—are these her children? Her former time-warped self? Are the tiny children being forced into a tiny child marriage? WHAT IS HAPPENING?
Meanwhile, I will be trying to counteract this song's hatefulness by recutting it to the castration scene from Hard Candy. Until next time.
Today's Headphone Fodder:
Bus Passes and Happy Meals—Lizzo.
Because Lizzo is all of the things Meghan Trainor would like to think she is—repping"bass" in kooky technicolor style, unapologetically femme & exceedingly badass. Rather than flounce around in premarital suds, Lizzo gives the institution some side-eye, spitting "like a mistake on your wedding cake, minuscule to me, I'm a big deal to you." Also, she name-checks Cogsworth—so, y'know, instant victory.