A Brief List of All the Enervating Assumptions in Meghan Trainor's "Dear Future Husband."

Now that I spend my days writing about Serious Art World Things™ instead of just the goofiest pop culture run-off, I try hard (really hard, dear Reader) not to let the trending topics get to me. But in this case, upon ill-advisedly taking a gander at the latest from Meghan Trainor (of "All About that Bass" fame), I couldn't help myself. I mean, what could anyone possibly expect from a song called "Dear Future Husband"? And still, my fingers were typing before my eyes had completed their 720˚ roll. Because the bright colors, saccharine melody, self-censoring coyness, & highly Internet-savvy use of "FAIL" all point toward the fact that this video is being marketed to children, & the absolute damn last thing developing brains need to hear (besides, say, a slim blonde woman telling you that boys like your ample booty) is any of this retrograde gobbledygook.

So without further ado, here is a (surely incomplete) list of all the laughable, worrisome, & ultimately just exhausting assumptions presented in Meghan Trainor's "Dear Future Husband" video. Because really, wouldn't you think we'd be done with these by now?

• Marriage is a given &/or a reasonable metric by which you should scan all romantic prospects
• So is being able to hit one of those carnival strong-man machines
• Flowers, rings, opening doors, & compliments are cheat codes to access a woman’s genitals
• Wearing a leather jacket absolves you of egregious gender stereotyping
• Refusing to make apple pie is a feminist statement
• Scallops are elitist
• BITCHES BE CRAY, a.k.a., “Why disagree?” because women will just argue irrationally with their wee lady brains (& are probably on their period anyway, jeez)
• “Classy guys” don’t seek oral sex—or follow through on 4th grade innuendo
• Rolling around in suds is an effective floor-scrubbing technique
• Proper suitors should stand, stone-facedly, outside the homes of their intended
• “Plenty of Fish” is a site that still exists & is worth your time
• Cactus-shaped topiary is in any way acceptable 
• Also, there are two children briefly pictured on Meghan Trainor’s lawn having a tea party—are these her children? Her former time-warped self? Are the tiny children being forced into a tiny child marriage? WHAT IS HAPPENING?

In fact the only thing this video gets even remotely right is that, yes, it does vastly improve one’s life to have a bowtie-sporting doowop quartet following one around at all times. Oh, also, blue PVC skirts should probably be a thing again.

Meanwhile, I will be trying to counteract this song's hatefulness by recutting it to the castration scene from Hard Candy. Until next time.

Today's Headphone Fodder:

Bus Passes and Happy Meals—Lizzo.

Because Lizzo is all of the things Meghan Trainor would like to think she is—repping"bass" in kooky technicolor style, unapologetically femme & exceedingly badass. Rather than flounce around in premarital suds, Lizzo gives the institution some side-eye, spitting "like a mistake on your wedding cake, minuscule to me, I'm a big deal to you." Also, she name-checks Cogsworth—so, y'know, instant victory.